Not My Kitchen

The friends I live with have done some alterations to their kitchen recently. Not remodelling or anything, but some adjustments. It started when they got a fridge-freezer, to replace their under-the-counter fridge that had seen better days. Doing this necessitated removing the small section of counter that had covered the smaller fridge, plus a small upper cupboard. Which necessitated finding new homes for the things that had been in that cupboard. Which necessitated a bit of condensing and re-arranging of items in other cupboards.

The piece of counter that was removed, had been the most-used piece of counter for food prep, and the rest of the counters were crowded. So, this past weekend, when I was at my Mum's, they rearranged the entire most of the kitchen, moving items into different cupboards, throwing some things out and moving the appliances.

The freed-up counter space looks marvelous! But... from my perspective (and let me be clear, it is only my perspective)... it still doesn't work. The cupboards that didn't get rearranged, in my opinion, should have been. Personally, it seems like half the kitchen now works really well, and the other half... still needs improving.

I made a couple of small changes -- they got changed back. This happened a couple of times over, until we both knew it was deliberate. Then I had to take a step back and say to myself, It's not my kitchen. Let it go. We could have had a passive-aggressive power-struggle over where they go, but what would be the point? It's not my kitchen.

But I don't want to do the same thing with Brenda. I want to be able to move things, and honestly, I want to be able to do it without having to ask.

I think Pete and I are both self-aware enough to be able to say "what is your reason for wanting to do it this way?" so that even if we do fight about it, we're fighting about the real issues not the veneer. Brenda and Pete and I have had the chat about moving things, so I know I'm worrying for nothing, but still.

Feeling nervous

Pete and I had a long chat today, mostly about gift lists. I think they're the height of bad manners and will do pretty much ... a lot of stuff ... not to have one. I don't want my wedding to have an "entrance fee". That is kinda how I see it.

Pete can see my point, but not as strongly as I see it. He can also see Brenda's point -- she's (by the sound of it) driving the "you need a gift list" van pretty heavily. I'm going to talk about that with her.

But, I'm nervous.

This is the first time, I think, we've had a major difference of opinion.

Partly it's cultural, perhaps. Maybe there's also an element of "tradition for tradition's sake" (which, in general, I am not a fan of). In my case, it's the way I was brought up, so there's definitely an element of wanting to please my Dad and my late Grandmother about it, coupled with, having considered the matter from an admittedly biased perspective, I have found no reason to change my view, but only to strengthen it.

I especially hate the idea of sending the gift list with the invitation. And yet, isn't it putting more stress and hassle on guests to have them look it up somewhere? Isn't it better just not to have one? To ask for recipes and photos and such instead, that don't have a financial cost?

We'll see, I guess.

Plans change -- 4-way call.

Pete was very helpful handling my dilemmas mentioned yesterday. He helped me break it down into what needs to be done now, and what needs to be done later. It's not the worst thing in the world if I ship half-finished craft projects or books I want to read later. He's pointed me to recruitment agencies rather than struggling through trying to apply for jobs entirely by myself. Maybe stepping back a little from facebook and the internet, even if not completely.

We had the 4-way call with Pete, Brenda, my Mum and I recently as well. We talked about the balance of risks with having a large crowd at the wedding: either, we need to book the venue and pay the deposit, and risk having a room for 250 people and have 60 people show up and look lost in it, or we need to delay finding a venue until we have replies back from invitations, and risk that we won't be able to find anywhere at much shorter notice. It's a risk either way, especially given that, due to the international nature of mine and Pete's relationship, there are likely to be quite a few who aren't able to make the flight, but we have no idea how many "quite a few" is.

So, we're sending the invites early (next week, if we can), and are putting "reception details to follow".

I hope people are willing to commit that far in advance!

In other news, the call went well, we spoke for about an hour, although we were all surprisingly nervous! I even got changed and put on make up specifically for the occasion, and it's my own Mum! (I have spoken to Brenda without getting changed or wearing makeup lots of times.) Mum and Brenda were both a bit nervous about meeting each other, I think. But it went well. We recapped all of the decisions we've made so far, we got the details about the invites sorted, we have the provisional details about when Pete is coming over for Christmas, and we've agreed to speak nearer the time about all the details relating to the week before the wedding.

Everything sounds good so far! And I am happy to have one thing to focus on regarding the wedding, not 7000 or so. Invites. I just need to do the invites, and we'll worry about the rest later.

Soft place to land

I got to talking with one of the bridesmaids recently, about something that came up during Pete's and my pre-marital counseling; one of the questions we were asked was, "What do you consider the husband's role in a marriage relationship? What do you consider the wife's role?" Do you want to get some tea whilst we explore that?

There are people who would say something like, "There aren't really any differences, it works exactly the same way as it does in a gay relationship, it's just that one happens to be a man and the other happens to be a woman."

Yet, if a person believes that men and women are even a little bit different on the inside, then the above can't hold true. That's not to say anything against gay relationships, just that they are at least a little bit different from straight ones, because the people are different.

When I expressed that I thought the wife's role is to provide "a soft place to land" for her husband, it was met with some confusion. What I mean by that is things like, when he's been out at work, when he's tired, busy and stressed, a wife should be someone who will run her husband a bath and rub his feet, not berate him for all the things he hasn't done or try to tear him in two directions by wanting other things from him when he's already trying his best. She's a warm, inviting smile that makes him happy to come home at the end of the day, and not want to head off down the pub.

Now, I run with the feminist crowd, and I would like to point out that yes, women have brains in their heads and deserve to be treated with respect and equality, without risk of sexual assault and should be able to be in control of their own lives, bodies and families with reference only to relevant people such as her immediate family and medical practitioner, not her employer or some dudebro who thinks she should do what he says.

I would also like to point out that no, men are not "entitled" to have baths run for them and so forth, and that yes, I can see how doing that sort of thing regularly might make him feel more entitled in the outside world, but that isn't really the point. The point is kindness.

In this culture, at least, we have the choice to get married or not, and we do so of our own free will. But in making that choice, the biggest choice we'll ever make in our lives, why wouldn't we want to make the little sacrifices that mean we don't end up regretting that choice? More to the point, why wouldn't we want to be kind to the person we love most in the world?

Kindness is a two-way street, of course, but I am not responsible for the way my neighbour behaves, even if that neighbour is my husband; I am only responsible for me. I can only change me. And I'm answerable to a higher authority than the feminist crowd. I'm answerable to Christ.

Wedding Planning Wednesday -- Gathering my Supplies

Sorry for the delay, my internet crashed just as I was about to post. Good job I saved it!

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A fortnight ago, I didn't really have any papers for wedding planning. A few items (mostly flyers and business cards) were in a box. My Mum had quite a lot of papers too. We had a good ole session making an actual plan about ten days ago. The numbers of papers I have seems to have multiplied.

I wrote a to-do list (I did about 75% of it and then lost the list -- better than my usual batting average!). I have a piece of paper I've drawn a rough draft of the invites on. I have prices for some things now, and not just in my head. I relocated the "bride's book of lists" we bought when we were first engaged, in the USA, so now I have that with me (and it's actually useful! Tell that to 10-months-ago-me who was crossing things out in it left right and centre). The samples for the bridesmaids dresses have also arrived; all of my stuff is in a big gift bag that came with a present someone from church gave me in preparation for the wedding.

Since then I also have more lists. Lists, lists, lists! I have to confess, it's great not having everything in my head. I didn't even realise that until I'd written it down.

I'm getting together with almost all of the bridesmaids, individually, this weekend. (Ironically, the noticeable absence from that list is the one I live with, who is currently away camping.) The one who loves notebooks is going to try to sell me on notebooks to put all of my wedding papers in. I am open to convincing, but I still haven't ruled out a more binder-like structure. Stay tuned.

Wedding Planning Wednesday -- Four Way Calling

I've made a lot of traction with wedding planning over the past few days!

Sunday I had a session with Mum specifically focused on planning (rather than talking about ideas), that gave me an actionable to-do list, the majority of which I have now done. I've even set up the facebook group for the members of the bridal party, and there's some lively discussion going on there!

Another idea that has come up and seems to be the next step for us is to do a four-way video-chat with me, Pete, my Mum, and Brenda to talk everything through. This will be interesting!

I think my Mum wants to team up with Pete and slightly overrule me? Which is why I want to bring in the big guns (Brenda). She'll be on my side! Hehehe.

Also, I think my Mum and Brenda would get on really well, so I want them to be comfortable with each other.

I need to video-chat with Brenda soon anyway, I'll ask her about that then. I also need to ask her about the rough schedule I've made, see when she's planning to arrive.

Happy Birthday!

Happy Birthday to my Beloved!

So jealous Brenda got to post on his facebook wall before I did. So jealous. I'm eight timezones ahead, but posting at 10am doesn't cut the mustard when she's done the stay-up-past-midnight trick the night before. (And then backed it up with a flash-back photo.) Such a petty thing to obsess about. So representative of the bigger issue, who gets to have the biggest claim on him? I hope this isn't going to be a problem going forward.